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In 2016, I ran an eight-week radio presenter training course at Whitechapel AM. A typical mistake that beginner presenters make is when they question their guests. They’ll have a topic; they’ll mention their point of view, and then they’ll ask their guests for their opinion. It generally goes like this: Prepared Script “The star is offering four hundred lucky guests - the chance to come and see her perform - With tickets ranging in price - from four thousand pounds to a whopping one hundred and fifty grand ..blah blah blah.” What do you think Dave? - Answer. Jackie. What do you think about this? - Answer. Stephen. Is she charging too much?” - Answer. Why This Form of Questioning Doesn’t Work There are two problems with this style of questioning. The first issue is that the presenter hasn’t bothered to think about their topic. They also haven't bothered to think about their questions. It’s basically: “I think this. What do you make of this?” It makes for boring radio. The second problem is that the conversation and topic never move on. The guests' replies are also very similar. Similar replies makes the segment sound dull. What You Need to Do Is: 1) Have a beginning, a middle and an end for everything that you want to discuss. 2) Know how you’re getting into your topic. 3) Know what you're going to discuss. 4) Know how to move the issue forward. 5) Understand how you’re going to end the segment. Plan Your Journey Beforehand If you’re commenting on a news story and you’re throwing it open to your guests, then plan your “journey” beforehand. Example of Moving the Topic Forwards Here's an excellent example of questioning your studio guests. It came from one of my trainees on my eight-week radio presenter training course. Let's look at it first and then break it down. Presenter: “The star is offering four hundred lucky guests - the chance to come and see her perform - With tickets ranging in price - from four thousand pounds to a whopping one hundred and fifty grand ..blah blah blah. If you had the money, would you pay four grand or more to see Madonna - or anyone else? Is this a good thing - using her name to help charities? What do you think of celebrities cashing in on their fame? Or do you think - this is just Madonna promoting herself? Call us and let us know on XXXXXX And we have our lovely guests on the show tonight - I’m sure they’ll have some thoughts on this. Mel, Duncan, Joshua and Andreas. Good evening. To Mel: What do you think of celebrities endorsing or setting up charities? To Duncan: Would you pay so much to see Madonna? To Joshua: Who would you pay four thousand pounds to see? To Andreas: Have you ever spent a huge amount of money - to see your music idol? I’m sure you've all got thoughts on this. If you’d like to share them with us, then call now on XXXXXX. Whitechapel AM.” Let’s Take a Look at Why It Worked 1. Describe the Story You’ve done your show prep and you’ve researched! :) You’ve found an interesting story for your show. You describe the story to your listeners and your guests. “The star is offering four hundred lucky guests - the chance to come and see her perform - With tickets ranging in price - from four thousand pounds to a whopping one hundred and fifty grand ..blah blah blah.” Tip Always write your numbers in words. It makes it easier to read. 2. Throw the Question Open to Your Listeners "If you had the money, would you pay four grand or more to see Madonna - or anyone else? Is this a good thing - using her name to help charities? What do you think of celebrities cashing in on their fame? Or do you think - this is just Madonna promoting herself?" 3. Call for an Interaction "Call us and let us know on XXXXXX” 4. Now Move on to Your Guests “And we have our lovely guests on the show tonight - I’m sure they’ll have some thoughts on this. Mel, Duncan, Joshua and Andreas. Good evening. To Mel: What do you think of celebrities endorsing or setting up charities? To Duncan: Would you pay so much to see Madonna? To Joshua: Who would you pay four thousand pounds to see? To Andreas: Have you ever spent a huge amount of money - to see your music idol? 5. Final Call for Interaction I’m sure you've all got thoughts on this. If you’d like to share them with us, then call now on XXXXXX. Whitechapel AM.” Why This Style of Questioning Works 1. He’s researched the topic and he's found further questions to ask on the same subject. 2. He asks his listeners different questions (on the same topic) to get them thinking. 3. He asks each guest a different question to move the item on from the last point. 4. He sums up the topic and once again calls for interaction from the audience. Create a Journey for Your Questions When you look at his questions, you see he’s created a journey. The topic is always moving. It’s much more interesting than: What do you think A? What do you think B? What do you think C? To Recap: Find an interesting story for your show. DO YOUR SHOW PREP! :) Have a beginning, middle and end for your topic. Prepare / ask some questions to get your audience interested and thinking. (We're after an interaction.) Research further questions to ask your guests. (We're after their interaction.) Ask each guest a different question. It will give your topic a “journey,” and it will stop your guests giving similar answers. Recap with a call for audience interaction.  Learn where to find show ideas. Discover how to show prep like a pro. Master the mixing desk. What it is, how it works and how to use it. Discover what you shouldn't do as a presenter.  A random Japanese Twitter friend drew this for me. I like it! Ashley Cowan runs the Online Radio School where he tutors in radio presenting and media interviewing techniques. He was a BBC World Service, Radio studio manager for nine years. He was also the station manager for Radio Kings, the hospital radio station for Kings College Hospital. Other crimes include being the training manager for K2K Radio & Whitechapel AM. As a radio presenter, he's hosted radio shows on three FM stations. That was back in the day when FM radio was a big deal. The poor radio stations that had to put up with his brand of terrible comedy were: Radio DÅB, FLR 107.3 FM, and City FM. Radio DÅB had 100,000 listeners! Woo! When he's not writing about himself in the third person, then he was also a community radio DJ at Radio Kings, TGR Sound, Sydenham Radio, and Croydon Radio. He once did production work for Total Rock.com. That was a fun station with a cool owner and a great broadcast team! Brown fizzy water often accompanied the broadcasts! In his spare time, he's London Irish (so he likes a beer). He's recently created an online "Fingerpicking for Guitar" course. There he teaches the art of fingerpicking for... erm...guitar. Students can learn twenty different fingerpicking styles for their chords. Comedy Training Blog 3  Meet Romedales Bufflehead It’s 7:05 pm and Romedales Bufflehead steps off the train at East Dulwich station in south London. With his Oyster card in hand, he starts to floss his trendy hipster beard. Only cool people had hipster beards thought Romedales, as a chicken leg fell from his beard onto platform one. The Nerdy Man’s Beard The whole hipster beard fashion was a bit of a con really. Many hipsters thought themselves cool with their beards. Many others, however, thought the whole beard thing was just an attempt by boring, nerdy middle-aged men, to try and make themselves seem a bit cooler. And to be honest, it did work for a while. That was until Sharon from the Catford Tesco’s went “Eeer Romedales you plonker, you’re just a boring middle-aged computing nerd with a beard. I’m out of here..By the way that’ll be £2.45 plus 5p for the plastic bag.” Romedales was devastated. Bang went his 30% Tesco discount. Beards are for Winners Sharon thought he was a bit of a loser. A man with lentils and a KFC chicken wing dangling from his beard wasn't cool. She had met Romedales in her local supermarket. He was the bloke with a pot noodle dangling from his face. East Dulwich is Peckham with a Beard As he stood at platform one in his green flannel shirt, bucket hat and beat up Converse trainers, Romedales rolled up a cigarette. He lit it and started smoking. To him, he was the epitome of cool. I mean if he were a refrigerator, then he’d be the Liebherr K2330 - 217 Litre A+ Larder Fridge… in white. To the rest of the general public, he looked more like an iceQ - 4 Litre Mini Fridge – in purple. “Get a fire extinguisher!” screamed a member of the public as Romedales beard suddenly went up in flames. As smoke billowed up into the air, Bob, the Native American from the Appomattoc tribe in Virginia suddenly called out. In fluent Algonquian, Bob said, “Oi Dave mate, what do you think those smoke signals over there say? It's twisting my melon man.” Dave paused for a second, stroked his Native American hipster beard and said, “It says….can I please get a tall, non-fat latte with caramel drizzle mailed to south London please?” “Best pop it in the post then,” said Bob as he started doing a traditional Native American rain dance in his local Walmarts - with a packet of frozen chicken McNuggets down his pants. “Security to aisle five” went the intercom. Hipster FM: Giving Your Beard Attitude Since 2014 It’s wasn’t until 7:15 pm when the slightly singed Romedales finally made it into Hipster FM. Even though his show started at 7 pm, Romedales was relaxed. Starting on time was for losers. Cool DJs, on the other hand, rocked up without any show prep, opened the mic and then blew their audience away! It didn’t matter to Romedales that his audience of three had been sitting at the computer listening to silence for the last fifteen minutes. “Oswald is this bloody thing on?" said Serenity as she stroked her beard with a fork. "And by the way, Oswald, tell me this. Why the hell does it say ‘Bouncy Hooters’ in the task bar when I go to type in Bournemouth?” Community Presenter Mistake Number One START YOUR SHOW ON TIME! If your show starts at 7 pm, then be in the studio at 6:50 pm. Be ready to sit in the presenter chair at 6:55 pm waiting to go. Don’t roll into the studio at 6:59 pm and then go on air at 7:05 pm. It's just unprofessional. I see so many community presenters doing this. Starting a transmission late as a BBC studio manager was a sackable offence. If you have an empty studio, then get in there thirty minutes before your show and set up. We’ll Put The “G” into Gentrification Hipster FM was one of the most hippest, trendiest and funkiest online radio stations that the bearded infested town of Dulwich had ever seen. In fact, beards were so respected at Hipster FM; even the microphones had them. All one had to do to join Hipster FM was: 1) Own a beard. 2) Love beards. 3) Make your wife grow a beard. 4) Have an iphone with a bearded cover. 5) Be a part time club DJ…with a beard. Formed in 2014, by a communist, revolutionary Marxist banker named Asquith Spogony, Hipster FM was originally set up to be the radio station for the local non-league football team, Dulwich Hornets. Dulwich Hornets FC Dulwich Hornets were probably the most yuppiest football team in the entire country. You’d never catch their supporters eating a pie and chips. To Hornet fans, paying £18 for a posh sounding German hotdog was part and parcel of being a Dulwich supporter. Hornet fans were posh. They didn't drink beer. They brought cheese and wine to every home game. Sitting in the Dulwich stands sipping on a Chilean red was how to do football at Dulwich. Sometimes (after a few too many Chilean reds) the Dulwich fans could get a little “naughty.” To be honest, Dulwich fans could intimidate the opposition with the best of them. “Hit him with a Camembert Tarquinius!” went the chant. Raising Piles of Money Dulwich believed in equality. For every single home game, Dulwich Hornets would run a fundraiser. Even if you were a one legged Irish leprechaun with herpes on your haemorrhoids, Dulwich would hold a fundraiser for you. They Were More PC Than PC World Being the most PC football club in the land, Dulwich believed that everyone was welcome….apart from Tooting and Mitcham. To them, Tooting and Mitcham were scum. The local Sainsbury’s always did a roaring trade in Camembert when the two teams met at home. Dulwich was so non-football that they played in pink and blue. To them, pink didn’t mean that they were “up hill gardeners.” No. To them, pink was a manly colour. They were proud to play in pink. Even their season tickets and programmes were pink. Some of the players, however, did object to the burgundy frilly tutu’s that went along with the kit. “Here come the ballerina boys” went the club song. Stick With Me It’s now 7:20 pm and Romedales is set up and ready to broadcast. He gargles some mineral water, does his vocal exercises “beard, beard, beaaaaaard” and then places his right index finger onto the microphone fader. A sense of dread suddenly fills his body. Someone's left a bogey on the fader. Romedales screamed. “ARGHHH THERE'S A BOGEY ON MY FINGER!!” The resulting output was so loud that forty-four people in a local Romanian supermarket in Croatia suddenly went deaf. Romedales threw his headphones twenty feet into the air screaming "Ahhh my ears! OH NO! THE BOGEY'S NOW ON MY FACE!" Community Presenter Mistake Number Two In his panic, Romedales hadn’t set the levels on his microphone. It meant he was distorting. A very common community presenter mistake is distortion on the microphone. In other words, broadcasting far too loud. When this happens, it means the presenter is doing one or two things. A. They haven’t checked their levels before opening the fader. B. They’re chatting away paying no attention to the levels on the meters once they play their song. So always check any levels of any item / person BEFORE you open the fader. And always listen to the output in your headphones. Constantly ask yourself questions like: Does this song etc. sound lower or higher than the last item? Always listen to your output and always analyze your output WHILE presenting. Keep one ear on your levels and one eye on your meters throughout your whole show. Download the PDF on setting levels with three different meters. Where There’s A Bogey There’s A Way After Romedales had finally stopped dry retching, (and had managed to scrape the foreign entity under the presenter's chair), he leaned into the microphone and said: “You’re listening to the industrialised Marquis of Dulwich, and this is movie theme tunes from Albania.” Silence. Bugger. He'd opened the CD fader by mistake. Always check your faders! Community Presenter Mistake Number Three Always make a show for your listeners. Don’t make a show as a self-indulged piece for yourself. Many community radio presenters make self-indulged shows. "Here's a show on film theme music etc.” Also, don’t choose or talk about a subject that only interests you but has no appeal to your audience. A segment on the problems of Mexican immigration in the US will have no appeal to an audience in south London. Always remember your target audience. Make sure that whatever you talk about is relevant to your target audience. Many community presenters forget this point. At the hospital radio station that I managed, we had a “gold” format as most of our patients were old. Many of our presenters wanted to make trans based, hip hop, techno, heavy metal shows that had no relevance to our audience. Remember your target audience. The Fader Strikes Back “Hey you out there! This is Romedales Bufflehead, and you’re listening to the industrialised Marquis of Dulwich. You guys are going to love this; this is movie theme tunes from Albania.” Community Presenter Mistake Number Four When presenting, always speak to the “individual” and not the group. This means avoiding generic phrases like: “Hello you guys out there!” Think about your listener as “one person only.” Speak to your listeners as though you’re only talking to one person. People listen to the radio as an individual. If you present your show as though you’re presenting to a ‘group’ of people, you can create a distance between yourself and the listener. During my radio training days, the message “radio is a personal medium” was always drummed into me. So think of your listeners as one person only. Car Crash Vocals As Romedales was introducing his first song, the vocals suddenly kicked in. Bum! He hadn’t bothered to listen to the song before playing it. Community Presenter Mistake Number Five Don’t crash the vocals of a song. If you’re going to speak over a song opening, then make sure what you’ve got to say is: a) Relevant b) Interesting. Fader Wanking No problem thought Romedales; I’ll just lower the fader, chat some more, bring up the music for a bite and then lower it again. All the pro radio DJs do this. It will make me sound awesome! Community Presenter Mistake Number Six Don’t “fader wank!” Pulling the fader down then speaking, then pushing the fader back up again for music, then bringing the fader back down again for more inane chat, then pushing the fader back up again, etc. This sounds tacky. Bogey Bluetack As the song twanged away, Romedales decided to have a rummage around his nostrils. Blimey, he thought as he pulled out the equivalent of the rocky mountains in one dig. For some reason, he just had to look at his bogey. For a split second, he'd even thought he seen the face of Jesus looking back at him. As he gazed into his Jesus bogey, enraptured that so much gunk was up his hooter in the first place, his song suddenly ended. “Shit,” thought Romedales as he opened the microphone with his little finger while balancing Jesus on his index finger. “Err, ummm, errr. That was the Albanian Sheep Shearers Collective..umm….from the film…err…..Albania Rocks….errr…” Community Presenter Mistake Number Seven Always have the timer on countdown so you know how long you have left on the song. I’ve been caught out a few times when the song has suddenly stopped! Community Presenter Mistake Number Eight Don’t make every second word a “ermmm” and “ummmm.” This is very annoying to listen to on the radio. Who Wants Waffles for Breakfast? Romedales leaned into the mic and said “Basically, Albania Rocks was the biggest, smallest, film ever made in Albania. In fact, in 1993, I once went to Albania. Basically, I was like 11 years old but get this. I remember sitting in the back of the coach like reading my Beano comic. Does anyone remember the Beano comic? Basically, that was a funny comic. But anyway, as I was saying like, I was in Albania, and I remember eating this bagel and..” Community Presenter Mistake Number Nine Don’t waffle! Make everything you say interesting and relevant. Remove unnecessary words and communicate your point in the shortest possible way. Community Presenter Mistake Number Ten Avoid “filler” words such as “like, basically, well, but, etc.” as this can annoy listeners. Production of Doom “Time for a jingle!” said Romedales as he leaned under the chair and added his new found bogey to the collective. “This is Hipster FM!” he said as his freshly cleaned finger pushed the jingle button. “This is Hipster FM” went the jingle. Community Presenter Mistake Number Eleven Never repeat the production (the jingles etc.). Don’t say something that a pre-recorded jingle already says for you. Example: You: And here’s the news: Jingle: And here’s the news Make sure you know how the jingles start and end. “Right, time for some gig listings,” said Romedales as he pressed the button to start his funky hipster music bed. “We love beaaaaaaards!” it sang before the music kicked in. Romedales lowered the fader and started talking. Community Presenter Mistake Number Twelve Don’t bring the fader down so low that you can’t even hear the music. Romedales didn’t have his headphones on. If you don’t wear your headphones, you can’t monitor your levels. ALWAYS wear your headphones. Gigedy Gigedy “Ok, our first gig is about The Bearded Bananas from Peckham. They’ll be playing a live vegetable and fruit set down at The Crown and Beard in..ermmm..Peckham. Our second gig is live at The Swan and Beard in Stockwell. The Melons will be playing a live 130-hour set this Thursday. Get down there for Monday at 0400.... Five minutes later…. Finally, our ninety-seventh gig will be inside the Dulwich Sainsbury’s. David and Tina will be playing a twenty-minute, Icelandic whale music set. You can find them by the tinned mackerel section. That was your twelve-minute gig guide in association with "Just for Pubes." Don’t let your pubic hair look older than what it should be. For a fuller, thicker look with an easy to brush-in application, "Just for Pubes" will have you impressing the ladies in under five minutes.” Community Presenter Mistake Number Thirteen Don’t give out lots of information (events etc.) in the style of a massive list. Listeners don’t sit by the radio with a pen and paper. Mention two to three events and then redirect listeners to the website. Meet Mike Romedales pressed play on the computer and his next Albanian theme music song started playing. Cuthbert the eight pm DJ walked into the studio. “Romedales! How goes it o’ bearded wonder!” “Not good Cuthbert sir. I think I’ve got food poisoning mate. Since yesterday I’ve had diarrhoea man.” “Sounds shit Romedales. Still you’re almost done now, mate.” “Oh man, it’s bad. Last night I was in The Bearded Gnome pub with Sandra. I gave her a kiss and pooed my pants. She kept asking me what the smell was. All I could say was it was my new Lynx Cowpat deodorant.” Romedales suddenly let out a large gaseous fart. Cuthbert’s face crinkled like a ten-pound note in a washing machine. “Jaysus that’s a bit meaty for a vegetarian mate and…..OH MY GOD! ROMEDALES! THE MIC’S UP!” Community Presenter Mistake Number Fourteen Always make sure your mic fader is closed once you play a song. After the song has finished, close its fader. The song may have something at the end of it. The song may continue into the next song. You could get confused with what item you've just played and end up playing the same song twice. Closing the fader is a good visual stop to let you know where you are. It’s All About the Timing Init “Well it’s 7:59 pm and I’ve been Romedales Bufflehead. Time to play my last Albanian theme music song. It’s a short 12-minute piece entitled fjalimit të kreut të opozitës Lulzim Basha gjatë fjalimit të tij përshëndetës. Coming up next we’ve got Cuthbert with his show on Moroccan sponges." Community Presenter Mistake Number Fifteen GET OFF AIR ON TIME! If your show ends at 8 pm, then start playing your last song at 7:55 pm. Next, get out of the studio ASAP. Let the next DJ sit down and set up for their show. Giving the next presenter no setup time is very unfair on them. You wouldn’t like it if someone did it to you. Therefore, don’t do it to someone else. Often presenters get sucked into their shows and end up talking to 58 past the hour. Then they play their last song. Next, they slowly move from the chair and slowly pack up. This gives the next presenter no time to set up. Play your last song on air at 55 past and then get out of the studio. Get five extra tips with this free PDF download.  Learn where to find show ideas. Discover how to show prep like a pro. Master the mixing desk. What it is, how it works and how to use it. Discover what you shouldn't do as a presenter.  Ashley Cowan (bloke getting mangled on Cat Tail) runs the Online Radio School where he tutors in radio presenting and media interviewing techniques. He was a BBC World Service, Radio studio manager for nine years. He was also the station manager for Radio Kings, the hospital radio station for Kings College Hospital. Other crimes include being the training manager for K2K Radio & Whitechapel AM. As a radio presenter, he's hosted radio shows on three FM stations. That was back in the day when FM radio was a big deal. The poor radio stations that had to put up with his brand of terrible comedy were: Radio DÅB, FLR 107.3 FM, and City FM. Radio DÅB had 100,000 listeners! Woo! When he's not writing about himself in the third person, then he was also a community radio DJ at Radio Kings, TGR Sound, Sydenham Radio, and Croydon Radio. He once did production work for Total Rock.com. That was a fun station with a cool owner and a great broadcast team! Brown fizzy water often accompanied the broadcasts! In his spare time, he's London Irish (so he likes a beer), and he also teaches guitar. He's recently created an online "Fingerpicking for Guitar" course. There he teaches the art of fingerpicking for... erm...guitar. Students can learn twenty different fingerpicking styles for their chords.  Bobby rocking the airwaves! If you're new to radio presenting, here's a good template to use. Bobby presented his show opening over a one minute music bed. This is why I like it: It tells you who we are Tells you who he is Tells you the name of the show. Tells you what his show is going to do for you. Calls for a request Let's us know that his show has guests, but he doesn't open the mic and start talking to his guests during the opening. I would advise on focusing your opening on you and your show only. He tells us what topics are coming up in his show He mentions the station number again He introduces the first song. All in all, it's very good. ================================================== Opening (50 seconds) Hello and welcome to Whitechapel AM, your award winning radio station here with you for the next hour …. My name's Bobby, and you’re listening to "Music to Make you Smile." We're gonna have a selection of hits that will make you feel relaxed, lift you up and improve your mood. If you've got a request for a special song that means something to you, or you just want hear something that'll put a smile on your face, then call us up on XXXXXX and let us know what you'd like to hear. Also this evening - we’ll have a light-hearted look at the week's news and events, and we'll have some fun conversation from our wonderful guests: Andreas Duncan Joshua and the lovely Melly-Mel Up ahead we've got news and chat about pop star Madonna’s latest charity venture… and we'll find out about Mayor Sadiq Khan’s refurbished hire cycles (previously known as Boris Bikes) So relax and enjoy the show - and don't forget to call us on XXXXX to let us know that special song you want to hear……… But first up - one of my favourite tunes from an absolute legend of music, this is the phenomenal Prince….  Learn where to find show ideas. Discover how to show prep like a pro. Master the mixing desk. What it is, how it works and how to use it. Discover what you shouldn't do as a presenter.  Ashley Cowan runs the Online Radio School where he tutors in radio presenting and media interviewing techniques. He was a BBC World Service, Radio studio manager for nine years. He was also the station manager for Radio Kings, the hospital radio station for Kings College Hospital. Other crimes include being the training manager for K2K Radio & Whitechapel AM. As a radio presenter, he's hosted radio shows on three FM stations. That was back in the day when FM radio was a big deal. The poor radio stations that had to put up with his brand of terrible comedy were: Radio DÅB, FLR 107.3 FM, and City FM. Radio DÅB had 100,000 listeners! Woo! When he's not writing about himself in the third person, then he was also a community radio DJ at Radio Kings, TGR Sound, Sydenham Radio, and Croydon Radio. He once did production work for Total Rock.com. That was a fun station with a cool owner and a great broadcast team! Brown fizzy water often accompanied the broadcasts! In his spare time he's London Irish (so he likes a beer) and he also teaches guitar. He's recently created an online "Fingerpicking for Guitar" course. There he teaches the art of fingerpicking for erm...guitar. Students can learn twenty different fingerpicking styles for their chords. Comedy Training Blog 2  Marconi was an Italian and a prolific inventor. He’s widely believed to be the first man to invent the radio. I know this because I can read Wikipedia. In 1894, aged 9, Marconi invented a device that could make a bell ring in another room. It did this by using radio waves. He quickly patented the device and started selling it to his school friends. Soon, legions of students could be seen hiding in bushes outside Italian houses killing themselves laughing. They were having great fun playing radio controlled Knock Down Ginger (Ding Dong Ditch). Sniggering away, they secretly rang doorbells from afar while mustachioed females cried out “Mama mia it's the door-ah bella again!" Bankruptcy soon followed. Back in 1894, radio sets were the size of a garden shed. Hiding behind a bush, sniggering at mustachioed females in calzone shoes, with a twenty-foot radio receiver sticking out of your arse didn’t do your art of camouflage any good. And trying to make a fast getaway from a livid Italian housewife while wearing a shed on your back was no mean feat either. In 1911, aged 26, Marconi moved to London and invented the world’s first ever radio set. He loved listening to radio in bed. His girlfriend, Calamity Whiffletree, on the other hand, hated it. She was always turning over in her sleep and knocking her brains out against the two-foot dials. Marconi fell in love with radio. If he wasn’t bumming one, or french kissing another, then he was always building new sets. By the end of the year, he had sixty-five radio sets in his house. No matter where in the house Calamity went, she was always walking face first into a radio set. She had to sleep standing up due to the bedroom set, cook with her nose to the wall because of the kitchen set, and she even had to do her business with her left leg stuck out of the right bathroom window because of the toilet set. Going for a walk was always problematic. Before she and Marconi could go anywhere, they’d have to hire twelve men, a crane and a horse and carriage so that Marconi could take his portable set with him. Trying to walk hand in hand while Marconi rode on a horse and carriage was very challenging for Calamity. At aged 28, Marconi opened his first radio rental store in New Cross, south London. Soon his radio sets were flying out the window. In fairness, that was mainly due to the local Millwall fans who used to trash his shop after every home defeat. Millwall fans liked his sets. You could do some severe damage to a rival fans testicles with “The Marconi Mauler” twenty-foot radio set. As one Millwall fan said, “The dials on his sets are ideal for stabbing people!” He said this while ramming a Marconi Mauler up a Leeds fan’s left nostril. By 1913, Marconi had rented out over 120,000 radio sets. He was well on his way to becoming a millionaire. Disaster, however, was soon to strike for the second time. Marconi had forgotten a simple fact. No one had actually invented a radio show yet. To stave off a second bankruptcy, Marconi was forced to become the world’s first ever 24/7, 365 days a year, radio DJ. Wherever he was, wherever he went, Marconi had to create a radio show just to stay in business. “Ok, coming up on The Marconi Toilet Hour this..PLOP. And that was PLOP with their first hit single ‘Get the air freshener please and - oh my god I think I’m going to honk.’ Happy Jingle Music The Marconi Toilet Hour is brought to you by Squirty McSquirts constipation relief.” Being the world’s first ever 24/7, 365 days a year, radio presenter drove his poor wife Calamity nuts. “Hi my name’s Marconi, and welcome to the love hour. For the next hour, I’ll be making love to my wife and Ooooooh Myyyyy GoooooOOooood..., thar she bloooows….and we’ll be right back after this short message by THUD...Zzzz.” “Marconi! Is this thing still on?” Over the next four years, Marconi went on to present 15,456 radio shows. His most famous show being “Where’d my foreskin go?” W.M.F.G was a two-hour weekly show aimed at the east end Jewish community from Penge. Guests would come onto the show to ask their parents about their missing foreskins. The show, for some reason, failed to make it in the US. Other shows included “Mapmaking with Midgets”: “Small people need never get lost again” went the jingle. Marconi even broadcast from an abattoir once. “And now he’s going for the leg, and OOOH there goes the leg..and wow there’s so much blood..and OH MY GOD I'm feeling sick, I think I’m going to be the first ever Italian to throw up live on air, and yes here it comes people, I’m now vomiting live on air what looks like diced carrots. But, and get this people, I haven’t eaten any carrots today. THUD..and now I’m face down in my own vomit. It looks like my father was right.” To keep the funds coming in, Marconi started inventing radio adverts: Happy Music “I make £500 an hour by showing my penis on the radio. If you’d like to have a throbbing bank account too, then write to us now at: ‘I’ll get my nob out on air for cash,' Cock Street, Bell End, London SE5 4PZ.” Marconi also made a lot of money with radio pornography. Everything was going throbbingly well until one day the sound effects man got rather drunk. Boris, the Russian cockney sound effects man, got so mangled that he inadvertently destroyed an episode of: “Would You like to Stroke My Microphone?” “Oooh, Aaah, oh Maximilian your receiver is so manly.” Cow mooing sound. “Errr….umm...oh Maximilian, your antenna is too large.” Elephant trumpeting. “FFS! (Deep breath). Maxy, it feels so warm.” Creaky door sound opening. “Nice hooters Mandy!” Sound of someone sneezing. “Ride me like a steamship Horace.” Sound of a horse doing a curry poo. More pressure was put on Marconi when a rival radio station started broadcasting in 1916. talkBOLLOCKS was started by a man called Albrecht Stringybark. Albrecht was to become Marconi’s radio nemesis. Even as a boy, Albrecht was dastardly. He used to have great fun sucking the water out of his goldfish bowl with a straw. Laughing cruelly as his pet fish "Gilbert" flapped around for dear life, Albrecht, as the doctors back then called it, was a complete basket case. As a teenager, he liked using a flick knife to clean out the black bits from between his toes. This toe cleaning, flick knife maneuver, really impressed the local girls. At aged twenty-five and with only one toe left, Albrecht started talkBOLLOCKS. talkBOLLOCKS was a male only radio station, and unlike Marconi, it hired professional radio DJs. Their primary goal was to talk bollocks about things that women thought were bollocks. On February the 12th, 1916, the breakfast show went live. It was hosted by an overweight Scots man called Barclay Buckminster-Fuller-Soloncrank. The first ever talkBOLLOCKS radio topic was: “Don’t drop your chocolate spread and toast onto your white bedspread otherwise, the lassie will think you have diarrhea.” While it proved to be highly controversial at the time, it was a massive rating winner. Marconi hit back in 1917 with his new station talkUNREFRIGATEDFROZENGOODS. While listeners didn’t flock to the station in its early days, “The Horse and Carriage” drive time show proved to be immensely popular. The show had a new feature, “The Eye in the Sky.” It was cutting edge technology back in 1917. Basically, it was a bloke strapped to the top of Nelson’s Column with a candle on his head. His job was to report the local traffic news. “We’ve had a horse decapitation on the Charing Cross High Road. And a carriage has shed its load of horse manure on the Sidcup bypass and... oh my god...... the straps can’t hold me and my twenty-foot radio set anymoooooooooreeeeee...” Audio silence. When Marconi wasn’t involved with the radio, then he was inventing things. Marco loved to invent. He invented the motorised toilet so one could do one’s business while out and about. He also invented the haemorrhoid flosser, and the speaking colostomy bag. Every time you did a number one, it would say, “Aaah I needed that.” Every time you did a number two, it would make a loud flushing sound. It flashed green and red until the bag was emptied. Walking around a Glasgow high street while one’s pants continuously flashed was never going to be a top seller. Marconi sadly died in 1937 while out walking around St Pauls. A traffic reporter fell on his head. After Marconi’s death, his wife Calamity sold all of his radio sets. After thirty years of being crushed by radios, she was finally able to walk around her house. Two weeks later, a hidden set in the loft crashed through the ceiling and flattened her like a pancake. Her last words were: “Marconi you bastarrrrrrr…..” So what can we learn from Marconi’s life? (The boring part) 1. Find a station that’s broadcasting what you want to do. Don’t join a station that isn’t playing your style of music. 2. Sign up, volunteer and practice as much as you can at a local community radio station/a hospital radio station. 3. Study professional radio DJs. Imitate their shows in your early days. 4. Accept the fact that (like this blog) you're going to be terrible at first. However, with constant practice, you will get better. 5. Always prepare your shows. Most beginner radio presenters believe they can talk entertainingly off the top of their heads without scripting. They can’t. At Whitechapel AM, I’ve created an eight-week radio presenter training program. By week two, 90% of the beginner radio DJs realise they need to prep their shows. I love it when they get this point. 6. Listen back and analyse your shows. Ask what worked and what didn’t work. How can you make it better? 7. Practice at home with your show openings and a music bed playing. Read your presenter links aloud at home first. See what sounds good and what sounds bad. 8. In your early days, script everything. As soon as you get better, you can move over to a bullet system of prepping. It means you won't have to script every single link. To develop a great one hour show can take up to three days of work. As soon as you’ve finished one show, you need to start on the next show. It’s like a factory, so you need a system. After you’ve presented your show, take a day off and do nothing. That leaves you six days to prepare for your next show. Six days sounds like a long time, but in reality, it isn't. It typically takes one full day to prep a well thought out, well-researched show. Prepping at the last minute takes a LOT of energy so try and avoid this. I speak from experience. Break your tasks up. Look in your diary and block off sections that you can use to prepare your show. You need to think ahead. If you don't, you'll be out of time, and you'll be stressing out again prepping at the last minute. Start with the fun stuff first. Choose your music. It will help get you rolling. Then make a running order. Put in your music and work out your times. Next, work on your presenter links. If you don't push yourself, you'll become "comfortable" with presenting averagely bland shows. And once you become comfortable, you'll never get past being a hospital/community radio DJ. If however, you consistently pull yourself up with self-critique, your standards will naturally become higher. It will lead you to start making strong radio shows. Once you do that, doors in radio can open up. There are other jobs in radio that hospital/community radio DJs can also do. If you give yourself a comfortable ride, you’ll be a boringly average amateurish radio DJ, etc. If you pull yourself up regularly, demand more from yourself, you will excel. I trained at Radio Kings, the hospital radio station for King's College Hospital from 2000 - 2005. Four of my trainees (including myself), went on to work for the BBC. Therefore, I know that getting a real radio job from community radio, etc. is possible Get as much radio experience as you can. Learn to present, master the mixing desk, create radio packages and learn to interview. My hospital radio experience got me a studio manager job at the BBC. Don’t be an arrogant radio DJ. Listen to your trainer and take on board everything they tell you. Walk away with an attitude of always wanting to learn and always wanting to improve. If you can’t find a trainer, then enroll on one of my courses, and you’ll be able to ask my advice anytime. I’m now practicing comedy writing for fun (hence these rather dodgy blogs). I know I have a long way to go. Therefore, I’m adopting the same strategy I used to break into radio. One, I study. I’ve read some excellent books by John Vorhaus. Next, I practice. I force myself (through these blogs) to consistently write. It’s tough; it’s hard, but by always trying to write I’m hoping to create a system for myself. Now I'll do nothing but practice until I’m happy with my style and skillset. Then I'll step up to the next league and start again. If I continually practice, in five years time, I will be much better than I am now. I’m playing the long game. It took me five years to break into the BBC. But I made it. You can too. If you want to know more, then here’s a straight written blog about breaking into radio. Finally, enjoy it all. Enjoy the struggle, the prep, the mistakes, the learning and the improvement. As long as what you’re doing makes YOU happy, that’s all that matters. This blog was a killer. I struggled. It's not my funniest. However, I laughed, and I enjoyed myself while writing it. And guess what? It all starts again tomorrow! GROAN! :) Keep on rocking! Ashley  Learn about where to find show ideas. Discover how to show prep like a pro. Master the mixing desk. What it is, how it works and how to use it. Discover what you shouldn't do as a presenter.  Radio King's (King's College Hospital) circa 2001. Check out Cool Edit Pro 2 and that PC! Ashley Cowan runs the Online Radio School where he tutors in radio presenting and media interviewing techniques. He was a BBC World Service, Radio studio manager for nine years. He was also the station manager for Radio Kings, the hospital radio station for Kings College Hospital. Other crimes include being the training manager for K2K Radio & Whitechapel AM. As a radio presenter, he's hosted radio shows on three FM stations. That was back in the day when FM radio was a big deal. The poor radio stations that had to put up with his brand of terrible comedy were: Radio DÅB, FLR 107.3 FM, and City FM. Radio DÅB had 100,000 listeners! Woo! When he's not writing about himself in the third person, then he was also a community radio DJ at Radio Kings, TGR Sound, Sydenham Radio, and Croydon Radio. He once did production work for Total Rock.com. That was a fun station with a cool owner and a great broadcast team! Brown fizzy water often accompanied the broadcasts! In his spare time he's London Irish (so he likes a beer) and he also teaches guitar. He's recently created an online "Fingerpicking for Guitar" course. There he teaches the art of fingerpicking for erm...guitar. Students can learn twenty different fingerpicking styles for their chords. |
Ashley..
is an ex BBC, radio studio manager, and the ex manager of Radio Kings, the hospital radio station for King's College Hospital. He's presented on three FM stations and waaay too many community stations. Archives
May 2020
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